No Parade

Written in early May, 2011, I was too much of a coward to post this blog.
Possibly in fear of already having said too much about a certain person. Or possibly because it held so much raw emotion at the time.
Either way, it's been 3 1/2 months and I'm posting it because I want nothing to be left unsaid, or unread.



"There was no parade."
The four words that have echoed in my soul for the last few months.
Where, every time I hear the song, I feel the tears in my heart but they refuse to come from my eyes.
Did the knife go all the way through my heart and into my back?
Or into my back and out through my heart?
Either way, it was a job that took care of two birds with one stone, so to speak.
Although it was kind of a blur, that knife, stone, whatever it was...hurt like hell.
You can't see the bruises anymore but if I let you close enough, the scars are there, blending in among the many others.
Bruises we forget about, because they only last a short while.
But the funny thing about scars is they stay with you forever.
They are there to haunt, to constantly remind you of just how you got them every time you look at them.
The goal is to avoid looking at those scars and triggering your memories.
Though there is something good that comes from them.
If you are smart enough, they will teach you to count your blessings.
All you have can disappear in a split second. Literally.
It only takes a an instant for your life to do a complete 180 and spiral out of control.
All you knew, gone.
All you believed, misplaced.
All you loved, lost.
And you have no say, no chance to stop it, and no opportunity to go back and change it.
Life doesn't give us a reset button. But it has no problem with replay in slow motion.
Try not to sit there rewinding and replaying the moments you were hurting most because the pain will subside and life will go on.
But not if you dwell. Not if you hold on.
Don't become a masochist.
You better stop crying and pull out that knife and remove that stone before your skin closes around it.
Your skin is thick and you are stronger than you think.
Take the time and let yourself heal, so that one day when someone looks at that scar and asks where you got it...you can tell them with dry eyes and without a sharp twinge of regret, despair, rejection or anguish.
Who knows, maybe if you're lucky, one day you will look back and laugh about it.
;)




"After all the noise I never heard our last goodbye. It was silent as a butterfly."- Jordin Sparks
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."- Unknown

Feelings Too Familiar

Feelings too familiar
I know this feeling, it's a familiar one.
Scary, and it has me freaking out.
That feeling when you're falling and you don't want to. When you realize your problem in life is that you've always cared too much, so much it's gotten you in trouble.
Because you're loyal, faithful, loving, caring...you have high expectations.
So high, you expect those qualities in others...
It's not until you're in far too deep do you realize that they may not have those.
And you get hurt.
Living life means being vulnerable, which means you gotta let go sometimes.
You can't control everything.
You need faith, enough to let you live, enough to let you love.
One day, and I pray with all I have that I'm not lying to you, someone will prove you wrong.
They will be different, worth the fight.
And they will surprise you because they will be just what you've always expected for yourself. And high standards will pay off.
In the meantime..
Don't get too scared to push forward, to move on with life, to live without regrets and to never hold back.
Be a free spirit and give it everything you've got.
Because one day it'll be enough, the pain and fear will die away.

"Fate loves the fearless."-James Russell Lowell