It hurts.
There. I said it. Happy?
It hurts and it sucks and it is hard.
It is always harder to fall out of love than to fall in love. Because to love someone is an emotion, an emotion that creeps. It creeps up out of nowhere and next thing you know, this person is the world to you.
But to fall out of love?
Well now, that's tough. To fall out of love is forced. A deliberate attempt to feel every emotion exactly the opposite of what you had felt before.
In your head it may seem easy, you think you've got it under control, but is your heart keeping up?
Can your heart keep up? No, it is not capable.
Our hearts yearn for love, for affirmation, for companionship, for acceptance.
Once it grabs hold of it, letting it go is way easier said than done.
Your mind works logically and, although conflicting with the pounding in your chest, you need it that way. You need the balance, the balance that keeps you from going crazy.
The balance of the mind that says you are worth so much more and the heart that says you never wanted anything more.
So you sit and listen to the soundtrack of your soul, the mix of a beating heart and the memory reels running through your head.
Trying to understand.
Ever known what it feels like to know that someone hates you, but you don't know WHY?
Ever known what it feels like to be shut out completely, to be cursed and yelled at and made into some sort of monster simply because you breathed one too many times?
I do.
You saw it coming. You called the bluff. But you didn't listen. Because then your heart was working faster than your mind.
Ever known what it was like to give it all you've got?
To try your hardest and feel everything?
Ever known what it was like to have it all taken away, without an explanation or a second chance?
I do.
Do you know what it feels like to rest your head against the wall, heart still beating, looking but seeing nothing, not thinking a single thought or feeling a single emotion, eyes welling up until the moment that tear rolls down your cheek and snaps you back to reality?
I do.
You know what that is? Love. Heartbreak. Passion. Pain.
It is every emotion wrapped into one.
And it makes you stronger. It makes you more than you thought you could be.
Every emotion that you will ever feel, the emotions you will inevitably become familiar with over the course of your life, it is all because of a beat.
A beat you can feel, others can see, and no one can understand.
Until when?
When does it end?
Not until that heart stops beating.
"Gravitation can't be held responsible for people falling in love."- Albert Einstein
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Earth Echoes
Have you ever been in a relationship that seemed like the best thing to ever happen to you?
But when it ended, as they do, in hindsight it seemed like the most lethal thing to come your way.
Poisonous to your morals, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, etc.
But you were blind.
You left your heart on your sleeve again.
Out in the open for anyone to stab at. They saw the other stab wounds from before, they asked about them, and you told them the truth. First mistake.
Why do you tell them the truth?
Do you expect the same from them? The truth? Do you expect them to care? Yes. Of course you do.
Second mistake.
Expectations. You want answers, you want truth, you want loyalty, you want respect, you want compromise. You want love, you want to feel like you are in it together. All in or not at all.
I missed the memo when wanting those things turned into too much to ask for.
You get hurt, damaged for all to see. Another mark in that stupid heart of yours that you are wearing so openly.
When it's over you hurt, you cry, you mourn until it all turns to bitter resentment. You get angry to get over it, because being mad at them is the only way to make your heart feel better. Third mistake.
The wound stops bleeding and starts scabbing.
Sometimes we pick at the scabs, sometimes others pick at our scabs. Because forever would be far to soon to see that person for the first time after the series of events.
So we never fully heal, no matter what. Because although this world is 195 million square miles & there are nearly 7 billion people, that one person will always be near you, it's not the last time you will see or hear of them.
So run away. But don't look back because your memories and regret are gaining on you.
The hardest part of it all is not the battle wounds, the tears, the heartbreak, the hatred.
No. It's knowing you needed that, you needed them to come into your life and break you down to nothing so that you could start over again.
They are never bad people, and this makes you so angry to think. But you can't shake it, you know you can't wish them the worst because you know they deserve the best, just like you do. You were just not best for each other.
Thanks God, for thinking so highly of us that you gave us this grueling task, this process of elimination, not so that we can find the right one for us...
But instead that we can find ourselves. Who we want to be.
And then we find someone else who has found themselves and when you realize you are both in same place, you have something in common and you make it work, God decides you're ready.
Are you ready? I don't know either.
What have you learned from those people on the list of "regrets" or "biggest mistakes"?
Sometimes you learn that you won't tolerate cheating or lying.
Or that being spiritually equal means more to you than you thought.
That abuse and arguing isn't love.
Or that double standards and lack of respect isn't gonna fly.
Whatever it may be, one day you will thank them for giving you the chance to truly love someone and never hold back. The chance to know that happy endings may not exist and the trail may be bumpy along the way but when you find the one, when you have that fairy tale love, you will look back and say it's all worth it, ever second of it.
<3
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." -Friedrich Neitzche
"Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive."- Josephine Hart
But when it ended, as they do, in hindsight it seemed like the most lethal thing to come your way.
Poisonous to your morals, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, etc.
But you were blind.
You left your heart on your sleeve again.
Out in the open for anyone to stab at. They saw the other stab wounds from before, they asked about them, and you told them the truth. First mistake.
Why do you tell them the truth?
Do you expect the same from them? The truth? Do you expect them to care? Yes. Of course you do.
Second mistake.
Expectations. You want answers, you want truth, you want loyalty, you want respect, you want compromise. You want love, you want to feel like you are in it together. All in or not at all.
I missed the memo when wanting those things turned into too much to ask for.
You get hurt, damaged for all to see. Another mark in that stupid heart of yours that you are wearing so openly.
When it's over you hurt, you cry, you mourn until it all turns to bitter resentment. You get angry to get over it, because being mad at them is the only way to make your heart feel better. Third mistake.
The wound stops bleeding and starts scabbing.
Sometimes we pick at the scabs, sometimes others pick at our scabs. Because forever would be far to soon to see that person for the first time after the series of events.
So we never fully heal, no matter what. Because although this world is 195 million square miles & there are nearly 7 billion people, that one person will always be near you, it's not the last time you will see or hear of them.
So run away. But don't look back because your memories and regret are gaining on you.
The hardest part of it all is not the battle wounds, the tears, the heartbreak, the hatred.
No. It's knowing you needed that, you needed them to come into your life and break you down to nothing so that you could start over again.
They are never bad people, and this makes you so angry to think. But you can't shake it, you know you can't wish them the worst because you know they deserve the best, just like you do. You were just not best for each other.
Thanks God, for thinking so highly of us that you gave us this grueling task, this process of elimination, not so that we can find the right one for us...
But instead that we can find ourselves. Who we want to be.
And then we find someone else who has found themselves and when you realize you are both in same place, you have something in common and you make it work, God decides you're ready.
Are you ready? I don't know either.
What have you learned from those people on the list of "regrets" or "biggest mistakes"?
Sometimes you learn that you won't tolerate cheating or lying.
Or that being spiritually equal means more to you than you thought.
That abuse and arguing isn't love.
Or that double standards and lack of respect isn't gonna fly.
Whatever it may be, one day you will thank them for giving you the chance to truly love someone and never hold back. The chance to know that happy endings may not exist and the trail may be bumpy along the way but when you find the one, when you have that fairy tale love, you will look back and say it's all worth it, ever second of it.
<3
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." -Friedrich Neitzche
"Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive."- Josephine Hart
Food For Thought
Think about life.
Think about who you are.
How'd you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?
Life is a funny thing, in every way shape and form.
We're born into a world completely screwed up and constantly changing by society.
We're born into a family, a world of it's own, where we learn just what our family teaches us.
We live this life, thinking our world is "normal" until we start to grow up and experience life and form our own opinions about the world around us.
We're never right and we're never wrong, I don't think. We're unique. We're different.
We start to see the reality of our lives when we surround ourselves with others.
All the people we've met, all the friends we've made, all the people we've loved or hated.
They came into our lives for a reason, we live in the moment and don't realized that they were there to help you grow.
The fate of us meeting them was intentional, never an accident.
Sometimes these people stay in our lives for a very long time and sometimes they are here only for an instant, but that instant can be an eternity if it affects your life in the right way.
If you let them in, they are forever a part of you.
Some impact us more than others, maybe because at that point in your life you were taking a giant stride rather than a baby step.
There are many names for these people, soul mates, friends, lovers, angels.
Right now you may not see if but if you take a look into your past can understand that God has always been deliberate, and even though sometimes it may hurt or feel wonderful or it may seem inconvenient and uncomfortable, lovely, heartbreaking, amazing or unbearable it's made you who you are today.
No less and no more.
We're confused but we're learning, we're weak but we are stronger than we think, because we know that no matter what, someone always believes in us.
So as people walk in and walk out, think about life.
Think about who you are.
You're not perfect, neither are they.
Expect no more, no less.
How did you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?
"We all wear masks. Everyone, every day. Sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be. Who we should be."
-Nakita
Think about who you are.
How'd you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?
Life is a funny thing, in every way shape and form.
We're born into a world completely screwed up and constantly changing by society.
We're born into a family, a world of it's own, where we learn just what our family teaches us.
We live this life, thinking our world is "normal" until we start to grow up and experience life and form our own opinions about the world around us.
We're never right and we're never wrong, I don't think. We're unique. We're different.
We start to see the reality of our lives when we surround ourselves with others.
All the people we've met, all the friends we've made, all the people we've loved or hated.
They came into our lives for a reason, we live in the moment and don't realized that they were there to help you grow.
The fate of us meeting them was intentional, never an accident.
Sometimes these people stay in our lives for a very long time and sometimes they are here only for an instant, but that instant can be an eternity if it affects your life in the right way.
If you let them in, they are forever a part of you.
Some impact us more than others, maybe because at that point in your life you were taking a giant stride rather than a baby step.
There are many names for these people, soul mates, friends, lovers, angels.
Right now you may not see if but if you take a look into your past can understand that God has always been deliberate, and even though sometimes it may hurt or feel wonderful or it may seem inconvenient and uncomfortable, lovely, heartbreaking, amazing or unbearable it's made you who you are today.
No less and no more.
We're confused but we're learning, we're weak but we are stronger than we think, because we know that no matter what, someone always believes in us.
So as people walk in and walk out, think about life.
Think about who you are.
You're not perfect, neither are they.
Expect no more, no less.
How did you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?
"We all wear masks. Everyone, every day. Sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be. Who we should be."
-Nakita
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