Echoes In The Wind

I think. A lot. About everything.
And I write it down in this blog because this way it sounds a lot less crazy than it does when I try to incorporate it in everyday conversation.
Sound familiar?
I have a personality that feels the need to call it as I see it.
I have a tendency to be brutally honest, and it has been know to get me into trouble, although I see nothing wrong with it. Some people just can't take the heat.
I write to blow off steam and soak up extra thoughts and emotions lingering in my mind.
At times my blogs may seem depressing or emotional but I think sometimes that is the easiest way to relate to others.
No one is happy all the time, life is not perfect and neither are we.
Honestly I believe there are a lot more hurting people then we are aware.
Most are good at keeping face.
Not letting anyone in.
Because they are afraid others will judge them. They are afraid they won't understand.
And some won't. Some can't.
Whether it is because they have never been in that same place or because they suppress their emotions so well that they can't open up to feeling your pain long enough to help you through it.
It seems selfish, though they are only trying to protect themselves.
So maybe you write, smoke, drink, or whatever it may be.
Perhaps you come here.
Because reading this makes me human, makes me just like you, and reminds you that there is someone else who has gone through it and does understand.
I've been in a place where it seems like no one is listening, and I'm left alone and it sucks.
I'm here writing more when things are not going well, because when I post something, suddenly people are listening, and I'm not alone anymore.
It's therapeutic really, isn't it?
Knowing that someone is there and you no longer have to hear your echo in the winds around you.

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." -Dag Hammarskjold

Life Lessons

Ever feel outta place? Like you are an outsider even when you're inside.
How about when you feel like you were on the inside then slowly but surely you were nudged out?
It sucks to feel like what once was your life, your friends, what meant the most to you has disappeared. And you're left with nothing.
You want to blame the people and circumstances around you.
But I don't think it's a matter of the blame game...
I think it's God.
It's his way of telling you to move on, to move forward. That this phase of your life is through. He cuts the ties without us having to cut them ourselves.
Because He has a plan. Even when you can't tell, he does.
It's still hard, however, because even though He is moving you forward, if you aren't listening to Him or communicating with Him, then you may not know where to go next.
It's harder this way, yes you will get there, but probably not with peace of mind, believing and trusting in Him every step of the way.
There is more resistance because you were not prepared for this.
This is where I am at.
I've lost touch with God.
I'm not trying to hide it. But I'm not happy about it. I know God has a great plan for me and he wants so much more for me but I've been distant.
I sense a tugging, like something is not quite right, like the next step is around the corner.
And sadly I don't think I'm quite prepared.
But I've been nudged...I've felt it.
It's near time for what's next. Because this life here and I first grew together and now were growing apart.

The irony is when you predict your own future, not knowing you're predicting it.
That nudge you were sensing just turned into a full blown shove.
And here it is.
Oh boy have I been shoved, and Lord knows I did not like it one bit.
I got upset, yelled, cried and tried to blame everyone else, but the reality is that it is the best thing for me. I was not doing it myself and I was not listening to God for further direction, so once again I have learned the hard way.
I've also learned who I have on my side, how many people love me and care for me and even though things may seem out of control, I know I always have them to count on.
All it takes is me asking for help.
Now He's taking my mess of a life and turning it upside down, hopefully it will come out of this with all the pieces in the right place.
We will never be perfect.
Just when we think we have got "it" all together, all of "it" falls apart.
We try to keep our life in order, and do enough good deeds to balance out for the bad ones or make promises to ourselves or others to try and avoid hurting someone again.
We try to keep good karma coming our way, and for those of us not too sure, talk to God just enough to keep him on our good side in case He does exist out there somewhere.
And maybe we know perfect is impossible, so we try our hardest to be "normal" or "average" or just socially acceptable enough to glide through whatever situations we find ourselves in.
But we are not perfect, and we are certainly not normal.
We are unique.
And we are intentionally and intricately made, deliberately placed on this Earth, purposely surrounded by the people we know.
No matter how much you fight it, the forces of nature shall have their way and now you are on the outside, looking in at yourself, your old life.
You are not alone.
Because you start to realize those people you thought you were losing because you were being pushed out were actually on the outside the whole time, waiting for you to join them.
And now you have, and the pieces are slowly falling into place.
Don't forget who got you here, don't forget to thank Him for looking out for you when you were too caught up in yourself to look out for your own well being.
Don't forget He exists, because He hasn't forgotten you.

"The course of true anything never does run smooth." -Samuel Butler