My Story

I'm not quite sure why I have never thought of this as a blog idea before, so here my inspiration comes from Chelsea Faverty.
A simple thing called....my story.

Let's begin...
Born April 15th, 1990....Easter Sunday to my wonderful parents, I was blessed.
I grew up in Sumner, WA until I was 7 and for the most part have not stopped moving around since then.
Never staying in one school more than 2 years until I reached high school, I easily learned to adapt to change.
I grew up in a Christian home, went to church every Sunday basically my whole life, my parents helped out in ministry and us kids were always as involved as we could be. Getting saved at age 5 and bapitzed at 10, I was set in my faith.
And I still am. But it's a little different now.

Here's to new things...
The entirety of my student life I worked hard in school and participated in leadership, drama, dance, clubs, etc.  until I graduated.
Throughout my life, dance has always been the constant. Starting at 5 with ballet and carrying on up until this day, it's how I express myself. It's where I've felt most comfortable and I've had the most fun.
It was only in high school that I got involved in drama classes and as quickly as I came out of my shell, was as quickly as I took this "acting" by the reigns. I did a few shows in high school and served on drama council. Post graduation I did a few things here and there.
I've always wanted a life of dancing, to be able to do what I love and make a living.

Take a break...
I've worked since I was 16 and only stopped to take a break for one summer 2 years ago.
I stopped to do a summer creative arts internship with Puyallup Foursquare Church, I felt called to take the time off to maybe see what God wanted for my life.
At the time, I gave myself to the internship for 2 months, living and breathing ministry. Now to say I remember what or how I felt at the time would be a lie. All I can remember is thinking ministry was the only option for me. Looking back, I think in trying to find my "purpose", I lost sight of my dreams for a moment in time.
However, I met some amazing people at the time and I am eternally grateful for that.
I'm not sure what exactly the reason was for my doing the internship, but if at the very least I can say I came out of that season of life with a few more friends, a few more mentors, and some helpful advice....I'll take it.
Because what I see when I look back isn't much more than that, but maybe those people are what has made all the difference in my life.

Back to the basics...
I went back to working since then, and I haven't stopped. I started my job at Auntie Anne's with the intention of staying until I could find a full time "real job." It just so happens that I'm still there 2 years later, and happier than ever. I've also got a job teaching dance at the YMCA, and I feel like my future is just beginning.

The reality...
Because it doesn't matter if I'm smack in the middle of one of the largest churches in our city or if I'm doing my own thing, my faith is my faith. And how I share it is up to me. Ministry is more than what congregation you "represent", it's about representing God. And although I may have stepped off "the right path" according to some, I don't think people can look at me and say I haven't been blessed or that I'm lost or broken. I think they will look at me and see I've got a faith in me that has gotten me where I am and a God that's always taken care of me no matter what, a glow that says I'm confident in who I am and I will always live life to the fullest.


"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."- Soren Kierkegaard

Long Time No Talk

Well hello again...
It's been quite some time, sadly. 
I have had a hard time finding extra time to write the past few months. 
And honestly didn't really know what I would even write about was I given the chance. 
But now I know. 
Life.
My life, the way it is, how I've been. 
To catch you up to speed I've been working. A lot.
But life has been great and i feel like I could not ask for anything more. 
I have a great job that I work almost 40 hours a week at, I love the location, the people and all the training and experience. 
Then I have a second job at the YMCA to balance work with play yet still get paid.
Teaching dance to these kids and being able to be a part of something that has such an impact on the community is amazing. 
To be able to use my passion and creativity every time I go to work is the most fulfilling feeling ever. 
Then my third "job". I help take care of my special needs brother once a week. 
This teaches me patience, love, kindness. 
It gives me a bond with him that I never had while we were growing up, it's rewarding to know that he gets so excited about those 5 hours every single week. 
And although it was originally designed to help me out, and it still does, I think it was one of the better ideas my mom could have had. 
So I've been busy, but blessed.
I've been exhausted, but refreshed. 
With a healthy balance, even though I don't have time to do everything I want, I know I'm doing well.
And I want to thank all the amazing people who have stood behind me the whole way through, cheering me on, reassuring me that the craziness will not last forever. 
It's been an amazing season of life that just keeps continuing, and continuing to teach me...
Time management, passion, creativity, patience, love, dedication, and perseverance all pay off. 
I'm completely blessed beyond what I feel like I deserve and I'm thankful for every minute of it. 

No Parade

Written in early May, 2011, I was too much of a coward to post this blog.
Possibly in fear of already having said too much about a certain person. Or possibly because it held so much raw emotion at the time.
Either way, it's been 3 1/2 months and I'm posting it because I want nothing to be left unsaid, or unread.



"There was no parade."
The four words that have echoed in my soul for the last few months.
Where, every time I hear the song, I feel the tears in my heart but they refuse to come from my eyes.
Did the knife go all the way through my heart and into my back?
Or into my back and out through my heart?
Either way, it was a job that took care of two birds with one stone, so to speak.
Although it was kind of a blur, that knife, stone, whatever it was...hurt like hell.
You can't see the bruises anymore but if I let you close enough, the scars are there, blending in among the many others.
Bruises we forget about, because they only last a short while.
But the funny thing about scars is they stay with you forever.
They are there to haunt, to constantly remind you of just how you got them every time you look at them.
The goal is to avoid looking at those scars and triggering your memories.
Though there is something good that comes from them.
If you are smart enough, they will teach you to count your blessings.
All you have can disappear in a split second. Literally.
It only takes a an instant for your life to do a complete 180 and spiral out of control.
All you knew, gone.
All you believed, misplaced.
All you loved, lost.
And you have no say, no chance to stop it, and no opportunity to go back and change it.
Life doesn't give us a reset button. But it has no problem with replay in slow motion.
Try not to sit there rewinding and replaying the moments you were hurting most because the pain will subside and life will go on.
But not if you dwell. Not if you hold on.
Don't become a masochist.
You better stop crying and pull out that knife and remove that stone before your skin closes around it.
Your skin is thick and you are stronger than you think.
Take the time and let yourself heal, so that one day when someone looks at that scar and asks where you got it...you can tell them with dry eyes and without a sharp twinge of regret, despair, rejection or anguish.
Who knows, maybe if you're lucky, one day you will look back and laugh about it.
;)




"After all the noise I never heard our last goodbye. It was silent as a butterfly."- Jordin Sparks
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."- Unknown

Feelings Too Familiar

Feelings too familiar
I know this feeling, it's a familiar one.
Scary, and it has me freaking out.
That feeling when you're falling and you don't want to. When you realize your problem in life is that you've always cared too much, so much it's gotten you in trouble.
Because you're loyal, faithful, loving, caring...you have high expectations.
So high, you expect those qualities in others...
It's not until you're in far too deep do you realize that they may not have those.
And you get hurt.
Living life means being vulnerable, which means you gotta let go sometimes.
You can't control everything.
You need faith, enough to let you live, enough to let you love.
One day, and I pray with all I have that I'm not lying to you, someone will prove you wrong.
They will be different, worth the fight.
And they will surprise you because they will be just what you've always expected for yourself. And high standards will pay off.
In the meantime..
Don't get too scared to push forward, to move on with life, to live without regrets and to never hold back.
Be a free spirit and give it everything you've got.
Because one day it'll be enough, the pain and fear will die away.

"Fate loves the fearless."-James Russell Lowell

Love Matters

So much has changed.
How did you get here?
You did a complete 180.
Not that you were ever a hopeless romantic or anything....well, maybe a little.
But you were definitely a hopeless romantic in denial.
Always pretended you didn't like the cute, mushy stuff, when secretly you kinda wanted it to be you.
Then you were, and you were one of those annoying couples, so in love....
You were the girl that couldn't stop talking about him, that smiled when you read a text from him or got butterflies at the thought of seeing him again.
And now look at you.
You know what they are saying, don't you?
They say you've given up.
They say you've lost hope.
But who cares what they say?
You're different now.
You don't want anything serious.
The thought of being labeled as "in a relationship" or as someone's "girlfriend" terrifies you.
Because those labels are accompanied by underlying stereotypical meanings.
But the thought of commitment is repulsive.
Even the thought of any emotional tie right now doesn't sound appealing.
In your mind, a label makes you weak. It sets you up for failure.
You've shut down. Put up a wall. Closed yourself off in order to heal.
Life is happening and you are more alive than ever.
You've embraced the your experiences and you've found a new you.
You've found your strength and hope and you are hanging on to it with everything you've got.
As you should.
I once heard that love is everything. Love is all that matters, so let it take hold of you.
Fall in love.....fall in love with as many things as you can.
Fall in love with what keeps you breathing.
Love God. Love family. Love friends. Love work.
Love the sound of the ocean, or the birds that chirp in the morning.
Love music, love dance, love adventure, love creation.
"Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing."
What keeps you breathing?
Let no one hold you back.
Let no one judge you.
It doesn't matter what they say.
Follow your heart, whether broken or whole.
If it's broken, with every step you take it is piecing itself back together.
Every step makes you stronger.
And it's gonna lead you to right where you were meant to be.
How do I know this?
Trust me, I've lived it. We're created to bounce back, and if you're lucky, you will do it in a big way.
Have faith.
Don't lose hope.
Find your love.



"The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it." - Thomas Monson

Kiss of Death

Self destruction.
You're hurting.
You're confused.
What's next? What's not?
Things are good, life is fun until you sober up and look in the mirror.
Remember how you got here.
Do you know how to turn back?
Do a 180 and guess what? That path that got you here is gone.
So you're in this place. You don't know what you want, you don't know where to go but you feel like you should.
You bounce violently between shoulda, coulda, woulda.
But it doesn't matter anymore. You can't go back, you're already on the fast track to a dramatic crash and burn.
Some days everything feels right, and the next it's all wrong.
Your mind is changing, your world is spinning so fast that no matter how fast you go you can never catch up.
It curves and spins and tilts until you cant hold on anymore.
Body aching, eyes are heavy, keep going until it ends.
The kiss of death.
"We'll sleep when we die."

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending."
-Maria Robinson

Don't forget you're here for a purpose greater than yourself.
You're here to make a difference.
So start over.
Make your mark, leave it branded, written in wet concrete so when it dries, when you've gone, people look back and remember how you were molded and formed.
Into something with greater meaning.
Something with greater purpose.
As they walk over your mark, head down, they will see it and understand.
They will think of you.
Just like concrete.
When life got mixed up, when things got thick and life was rough, it only took a short matter of time for those things to make you strong.
Strong enough to hold you up.
Strong enough to not break under pressure.
Strong enough to hold up all of those who have walked all over you.
Maybe they will realize they are called to leave a mark or path.
To help and encourage those who follow it to not lose heart.
Remember, when life gets too hard to push through, it just means its not long until it all settles.
Don't waste a moment.
Leave your brand.
How do you want to be remembered?

The Extra Step

Written: 3/25/11

Why on earth do people ask me for my opinion or advice??!
If you come to me asking for either I'm going to assume it's because you trust my judgement.
Well I have assumed wrong thus far.
I get so frustrated with telling people what I think and watching them do exactly opposite of what I suggest.
Granted I'm not perfect, we all know this.
And everyone is going to do their own thing, live their own life.
And that's fine!
The part I don't comprehend is the extra step.
The one extra step everyone takes by turning to a friend and saying these cursed words, "What should I do?"
When in their mind is already a cleverly hatched plan of exactly how and what they are gonna do.
Do yourself a favor and save a step! Don't ask anyone anything and spare yourself some humiliation if and when you do screw up.
Do me a favor and spare me the drama. Because honestly I don't care about the situation, but I am giving you an opinion because you asked for one and because I am your friend and I love you enough to be honest with you.
Maybe people feel obligated to ask, or with hopes of one day actually taking someone's advice.
Who knows?
So then, this friend reserves the right to say "I told you so."
Well I'm getting tired of saying "I told you so!"
Oh but here's the icing on the cake.
People will do this over and over and over again, and never learn that sometimes the outside perspective is the best.
This is insanity, quite literally. The dictionary definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
If this all seems a bit hypocritical, it's because it is.
Sometimes learning the hard way is the best, sometimes it's the only way to learn.
I have no room to talk because I have always learned the hard way, I'm as stubborn as a mule and refuse to listen to anyone.
The difference with me, however, is that I only ask if I'm second guessing my pre formed plan, otherwise I could care less what you think.
Thus since I have taken note of this questionable behavior, I thought I might as well put my thoughts out there.
Because, if you know me, I tend to enjoy rocking the boat and I always tell it like it is. 
Maybe if we all cut the crap we would all be a little more sane.
Nobody could play the blame game, there would be no more embarrassing I-told-you-so's, and a hell of a lot less drama.
Grow up, take responsibility for what you know you are gonna do, don't bring others into your pointless drama.
Make sure something is worth it before you drag everyone else down with you.


"Therapists get paid to do what a real friend will do for free." - Megan Sienkiewich

Echoes In The Wind

I think. A lot. About everything.
And I write it down in this blog because this way it sounds a lot less crazy than it does when I try to incorporate it in everyday conversation.
Sound familiar?
I have a personality that feels the need to call it as I see it.
I have a tendency to be brutally honest, and it has been know to get me into trouble, although I see nothing wrong with it. Some people just can't take the heat.
I write to blow off steam and soak up extra thoughts and emotions lingering in my mind.
At times my blogs may seem depressing or emotional but I think sometimes that is the easiest way to relate to others.
No one is happy all the time, life is not perfect and neither are we.
Honestly I believe there are a lot more hurting people then we are aware.
Most are good at keeping face.
Not letting anyone in.
Because they are afraid others will judge them. They are afraid they won't understand.
And some won't. Some can't.
Whether it is because they have never been in that same place or because they suppress their emotions so well that they can't open up to feeling your pain long enough to help you through it.
It seems selfish, though they are only trying to protect themselves.
So maybe you write, smoke, drink, or whatever it may be.
Perhaps you come here.
Because reading this makes me human, makes me just like you, and reminds you that there is someone else who has gone through it and does understand.
I've been in a place where it seems like no one is listening, and I'm left alone and it sucks.
I'm here writing more when things are not going well, because when I post something, suddenly people are listening, and I'm not alone anymore.
It's therapeutic really, isn't it?
Knowing that someone is there and you no longer have to hear your echo in the winds around you.

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." -Dag Hammarskjold

Life Lessons

Ever feel outta place? Like you are an outsider even when you're inside.
How about when you feel like you were on the inside then slowly but surely you were nudged out?
It sucks to feel like what once was your life, your friends, what meant the most to you has disappeared. And you're left with nothing.
You want to blame the people and circumstances around you.
But I don't think it's a matter of the blame game...
I think it's God.
It's his way of telling you to move on, to move forward. That this phase of your life is through. He cuts the ties without us having to cut them ourselves.
Because He has a plan. Even when you can't tell, he does.
It's still hard, however, because even though He is moving you forward, if you aren't listening to Him or communicating with Him, then you may not know where to go next.
It's harder this way, yes you will get there, but probably not with peace of mind, believing and trusting in Him every step of the way.
There is more resistance because you were not prepared for this.
This is where I am at.
I've lost touch with God.
I'm not trying to hide it. But I'm not happy about it. I know God has a great plan for me and he wants so much more for me but I've been distant.
I sense a tugging, like something is not quite right, like the next step is around the corner.
And sadly I don't think I'm quite prepared.
But I've been nudged...I've felt it.
It's near time for what's next. Because this life here and I first grew together and now were growing apart.

The irony is when you predict your own future, not knowing you're predicting it.
That nudge you were sensing just turned into a full blown shove.
And here it is.
Oh boy have I been shoved, and Lord knows I did not like it one bit.
I got upset, yelled, cried and tried to blame everyone else, but the reality is that it is the best thing for me. I was not doing it myself and I was not listening to God for further direction, so once again I have learned the hard way.
I've also learned who I have on my side, how many people love me and care for me and even though things may seem out of control, I know I always have them to count on.
All it takes is me asking for help.
Now He's taking my mess of a life and turning it upside down, hopefully it will come out of this with all the pieces in the right place.
We will never be perfect.
Just when we think we have got "it" all together, all of "it" falls apart.
We try to keep our life in order, and do enough good deeds to balance out for the bad ones or make promises to ourselves or others to try and avoid hurting someone again.
We try to keep good karma coming our way, and for those of us not too sure, talk to God just enough to keep him on our good side in case He does exist out there somewhere.
And maybe we know perfect is impossible, so we try our hardest to be "normal" or "average" or just socially acceptable enough to glide through whatever situations we find ourselves in.
But we are not perfect, and we are certainly not normal.
We are unique.
And we are intentionally and intricately made, deliberately placed on this Earth, purposely surrounded by the people we know.
No matter how much you fight it, the forces of nature shall have their way and now you are on the outside, looking in at yourself, your old life.
You are not alone.
Because you start to realize those people you thought you were losing because you were being pushed out were actually on the outside the whole time, waiting for you to join them.
And now you have, and the pieces are slowly falling into place.
Don't forget who got you here, don't forget to thank Him for looking out for you when you were too caught up in yourself to look out for your own well being.
Don't forget He exists, because He hasn't forgotten you.

"The course of true anything never does run smooth." -Samuel Butler

Ride The Waves

You can't change anything now. And the reality is...you're right and you're wrong. You win some, you lose some.
It doesn't hurt to think about him, no.
Maybe a little because you now see how much of a slimeball he is. How could you trust a dirtbag like that?
But it hurts to think about him leaving you for her.
You are right because he left you for something better. Something better for him, for now. Until he does the same to her. (Which I'm sure he would say that would never happen, until it does. It's a vicious cycle.)
But you are wrong because there is nothing wrong with you, simply you were not the best for him and he definitely wasn't the best for you.
You're right because you are better and you do deserve better.
But you would be wrong to wish him any less.
Please don't lose heart. It was the wrong person, perhaps at the right time, but you won't ever know. You wouldn't want to know. For it to be the right time with the wrong person would be hazardous. Because being with the "wrong person" means it's never meant to last.
He was good for one thing. When he kicked you to the curb he saved you some what could someday have been extreme heartbreak, possibly divorce, pain that could waste away years of your life.
You are young yet, you have got plenty of time, and hundreds of thousands of options.
Yet you have loved, and you know for sure this time. You are 100% positive that what you felt was real.
Guess what. He can't ever take that from you. You win.
Even though sometimes it may feel like you lost this round, you didn't. Don't fool yourself into thinking you miss him. Because you don't. You miss the feeling you felt with him.
Love.
This overwhelming emotion grabbed hold of you and you wished it would never let go.
The amazing thing about love, it always gives you a second chance, and a third, and fourth, and so on. Until you are with the right person at the right time. And when that happens, though I've yet to experience it, I think that love will be even more powerful than before.
But I can't let myself think about it. It gets depressing, knowing it was right there, in your grasp and yet it slipped right through your fingers.
I used to think that I would only ever fall in love with one person and when I knew that I had fallen in love, that the rest of my life would begin from there.
I guess I believed in soul mates, destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it. Which I still do, I believe there is one right person out there for you. But it doesn't mean you won't be fooled along the way. We're human, we make mistakes, it's in our DNA. And it's okay. I've made many.
But don't dwell on it. Don't regret. Learn from it and move forward.
All things come to pass in due time. Live your life, make the best of what you got and don't let anyone bring you down.
Enjoy the little things in life.
Ride the waves.
"Let go and let God."

"The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them. "- Bernard M. Beruch

A Pen To Paper

Writing, for me, is like an escape.
Growing up I was never really taught or modeled how to show or talk about my feelings.
Not that I wasn't allowed to, it has just never come naturally to me or really anyone in my family.
So I bottle things up, until I explode.
Usually the explosion is in the form of excessive tears or an outburst of rage, or both.
I have become slightly notorious for this.
However, as a reaction to a recent heartbreak, I learned that I am capable of channeling all of this pent up emotion into a blog.
Why I didn't think of this sooner is beyond me. I've never considered myself a writer. Rather, I've always been one to hide my writings from everyone.
Why?
Because when I write, I'm vulnerable. If you want to know how I really feel, just read what I write and you will never be closer to the truth.
So I hid it, because although I honestly do not care what anyone says about it, the thought of commentary is overwhelming. Mostly because these are my thoughts, as they come, and there is no changing them.
However, I was taken with the idea of being able to express myself without having to answer to anyone. And since I've started it has become quite gratifying.
When I get in writer's mode, it's like I'm in my own world. I am able to say what I please, whenever I want and exactly as I wish to say it.
It is as easy as putting a pen to paper. Or so far in my case, fingers to a keyboard.
A simple thing really, that is an outlet for excess emotion. And it calms me, knowing that it is out of my mind and in the confidence of just whoever I want to see it.
So I will continue as needed to let the creativity flow in the form of this blog.
I appreciate all the open minded readers who come to get to know me a little better rather than to judge or criticize.
Originally and yet still a creation to benefit myself, I can't help but hope if anything I say has any impact on my followers, that it would be positive, perhaps inspirational.
Welcome to my escape. My newfound source of sanity. My personal paradise.


"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." John Jakes

Mind Over Matter

"Scared of the unknown.
We need to not be scared.
I don't think it works that way.
Change is scary, anything different is scary. "
-Hellcats

What are you scared of?
What's your biggest fear?
Spiders, snakes, tight spaces, heights, loneliness, death, love, life?
Wanna know what I'm scared of....
Vulnerability, failure, dying before living.
I'm scared that I won't get all the time I want, like this one life isn't going to be enough for me. As if I'm wasting it away. Or as if my options are limited and that will lead me to failure, that will close doors for me.
And it might.
Holding back means I'll never love as deep as the ocean.
It means I'll never learn from my mistakes.
Caution will get in the way of freedom.
But I'm really scared of fear, because fear means all these things. Fear means I'm holding back something, maybe everything.
It means I might miss out.
"You can do anything you put your mind to."
Can you?
Can I?
Not if we're too scared. Not if we get in our own way.
Guess what? I'm in my own way. And I don't how to move myself aside, now that's scary.
I may not have the resources, the connections, the opportunities that others may get. However, I don't need any of those.
What I need is the will.
The determination to do whatever I want in this life.
Is determination, will, easily acquired by any seeker? I don't think so.
I think will is part of a persons' personality. You are either created with it or without it.
And if you have it, to what degree? Is there a limit? What will put a cap on your will to do whatever you want?
Fear. Fear of something.
For me, fear of failure. That if I take a step out in determination, in faith, without holding back, throwing caution to the wind, that I won't recover if it doesn't work out as planned.
What if something goes wrong? What will people think? Will I regret it forever? How will I live with myself knowing I messed up?
I believe this is what they call internal conflict. So what do I do?
Mind over matter.
Remember you only have one life, one chance, to do it exactly as you want to. Every single moment matters. Every moment defines who you are.
So do what you want to do, love as much as you can, cry as hard as you want, laugh loud, have values, try something new, set goals and reach them.
And don't waste time letting you get in the way.
Me, I'll look myself in the face, push myself aside, move forward and step blindly off a ledge.
If I fall, remember, it's just gravity. I have the strength to stand back up.
If I fly, the possibilities are endless.

"If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone." John Maxwell
"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." -Win Borden

The Beating Heart

It hurts.
There. I said it. Happy?
It hurts and it sucks and it is hard.
It is always harder to fall out of love than to fall in love. Because to love someone is an emotion, an emotion that creeps. It creeps up out of nowhere and next thing you know, this person is the world to you.
But to fall out of love?
Well now, that's tough. To fall out of love is forced. A deliberate attempt to feel every emotion exactly the opposite of what you had felt before.
In your head it may seem easy, you think you've got it under control, but is your heart keeping up?
Can your heart keep up? No, it is not capable.
Our hearts yearn for love, for affirmation, for companionship, for acceptance.
Once it grabs hold of it, letting it go is way easier said than done.
Your mind works logically and, although conflicting with the pounding in your chest,  you need it that way. You need the balance, the balance that keeps you from going crazy.
The balance of the mind that says you are worth so much more and the heart that says you never wanted anything more.
So you sit and listen to the soundtrack of your soul, the mix of a beating heart and the memory reels running through your head.
Trying to understand.
Ever known what it feels like to know that someone hates you, but you don't know WHY?
Ever known what it feels like to be shut out completely, to be cursed and yelled at and made into some sort of monster simply because you breathed one too many times?
I do.
You saw it coming. You called the bluff. But you didn't listen. Because then your heart  was working faster than your mind.
Ever known what it was like to give it all you've got?
To try your hardest and feel everything?
Ever known what it was like to have it all taken away, without an explanation or a second chance?
I do.
Do you know what it feels like to rest your head against the wall, heart still beating, looking but seeing nothing, not thinking a single thought or feeling a single emotion, eyes welling up until the moment that tear rolls down your cheek and snaps you back to reality?
I do.
You know what that is? Love. Heartbreak. Passion. Pain.
It is every emotion wrapped into one.
And it makes you stronger. It makes you more than you thought you could be.
Every emotion that you will ever feel, the emotions you will inevitably become familiar with over the course of your life, it is all because of a beat.
A beat you can feel, others can see, and no one can understand.
Until when?
When does it end?
Not until that heart stops beating.

 "Gravitation can't be held responsible for people falling in love."- Albert Einstein

The Earth Echoes

Have you ever been in a relationship that seemed like the best thing to ever happen to you?
But when it ended, as they do, in hindsight it seemed like the most lethal thing to come your way.
Poisonous to your morals, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, etc.
But you were blind.
You left your heart on your sleeve again.
Out in the open for anyone to stab at. They saw the other stab wounds from before, they asked about them, and you told them the truth. First mistake.
Why do you tell them the truth?
Do you expect the same from them? The truth? Do you expect them to care? Yes. Of course you do.
Second mistake.
Expectations. You want answers, you want truth, you want loyalty, you want respect, you want compromise. You want love, you want to feel like you are in it together. All in or not at all.
I missed the memo when wanting those things turned into too much to ask for.
You get hurt, damaged for all to see. Another mark in that stupid heart of yours that you are wearing so openly.
When it's over you hurt, you cry, you mourn until it all turns to bitter resentment. You get angry to get over it, because being mad at them is the only way to make your heart feel better.  Third mistake.
The wound stops bleeding and starts scabbing.
Sometimes we pick at the scabs, sometimes others pick at our scabs. Because forever would be far to soon to see that person for the first time after the series of events.
So we never fully heal, no matter what. Because although this world is 195 million square miles & there are nearly 7 billion people, that one person will always be near you, it's not the last time you will see or hear of them.
So run away. But don't look back because your memories and regret are gaining on you.
The hardest part of it all is not the battle wounds, the tears, the heartbreak, the hatred.
No. It's knowing you needed that, you needed them to come into your life and break you down to nothing so that you could start over again.
They are never bad people, and this makes you so angry to think. But you can't shake it, you know you can't wish them the worst because you know they deserve the best, just like you do. You were just not best for each other.
Thanks God, for thinking so highly of us that you gave us this grueling task, this process of elimination, not so that we can find the right one for us...
But instead that we can find ourselves. Who we want to be.
And then we find someone else who has found themselves and when you realize you are both in same place, you have something in common and you make it work, God decides you're ready.
Are you ready? I don't know either.
What have you learned from those people on the list of "regrets" or "biggest mistakes"?
Sometimes you learn that you won't tolerate cheating or lying.
Or that being spiritually equal means more to you than you thought.
That abuse and arguing isn't love.
Or that double standards and lack of respect isn't gonna fly.
Whatever it may be, one day you will thank them for giving you the chance to truly love someone and never hold back. The chance to know that happy endings may not exist and the trail may be bumpy along the way but when you find the one, when you have that fairy tale love, you will look back and say it's all worth it, ever second of it.
<3
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." -Friedrich Neitzche
"Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive."- Josephine Hart

Food For Thought

Think about life.
Think about who you are.
How'd you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?
Life is a funny thing, in every way shape and form.
We're born into a world completely screwed up and constantly changing by society.
We're born into a family, a world of it's own, where we learn just what our family teaches us.
We live this life, thinking our world is "normal" until we start to grow up and experience life and form our own opinions about the world around us.
We're never right and we're never wrong, I don't think. We're unique. We're different.
We start to see the reality of our lives when we surround ourselves with others.
All the people we've met, all the friends we've made, all the people we've loved or hated.
They came into our lives for a reason,  we live in the moment and don't realized that they were there to help you grow.
The fate of us meeting them was intentional, never an accident.
Sometimes these people stay in our lives for a very long time and sometimes they are here only for an instant, but that instant can be an eternity if it affects your life in the right way.
If you let them in, they are forever a part of you.
Some impact us more than others, maybe because at that point in your life you were taking a giant stride rather than a baby step.
There are many names for these people, soul mates, friends, lovers, angels.
Right now you may not see if but if you take a look into your past can understand that God has always been deliberate, and even though sometimes it may hurt or feel wonderful or it may seem inconvenient and uncomfortable, lovely, heartbreaking, amazing or unbearable it's made you who you are today.
No less and no more.
We're confused but we're learning, we're weak but we are stronger than we think, because we know that no matter what, someone always believes in us.
So as people walk in and walk out, think about life.
Think about who you are.
You're not perfect, neither are they.
Expect no more, no less.
How did you get here?
Where did you start?
And who have you met along the way?

"We all wear masks. Everyone, every day. Sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be. Who we should be."
-Nakita